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28 Days Later
I feel horrible for not liking this movie. Why? It's technically a zombie movie, and it's a rule of thumb
that zombie movies are the cream of the crop when it comes to the big screen. I said CROP. Although part of my dislike of
this movie is because of a spazzy dvd- it was nearly unwatchable at the start. It would freeze up almost every five seconds,
leaving big silent gaps in important explanations and stuff. In short, we have no idea why or how the zombies got to
this place. All we got was several quick shots of a freaked out monkey and alarms going off and people screaming. To me that
does not equal a zombie infestation. Even if we had understood why the zombies were there, I was altogether disappointed
by what could have been a kickass movie.
"28 days later has been hailed as the most frightening film since the exorcist!" the dvd case exclaims. I
have yet to see the exorcist, but something tells me whoever said that garbage is a five year old. 28 days later wasn't frightening.
there was blood, yes, but just because a few red showers are shown in a movie does not mean it's scary. so far the creepiest
thing to date that i have ever seen in a movie was in the ring (because i'm weird that way) - which had like no blood
whatsoever and was rated pg-13. Maybe i've just seen so much gore on tv that it has no effect on me, but people really have
to understand that BLOOD DOES NOT MAKE A MOVIE SCARY! BLAH! Anyway, now to my hilarious send-up of the parts of the movie
that weren't diced up by our dvd player.
Ok. After the frantic monkey scenes at the start (someone, please enlighten me as to what exactly went on
there..) a british guy wakes up in a hospital bed all alone and starts yanking off all the things that are hooked up to him,
because YOU JUST DO THAT, regardless if you'll bleed to death or not. He shouts "hello" a few times but nobody answers. He
leaves the room and finds the halls deserted and makes a beeline for the pepsi machine. seriously. It's broken and there's
cans of pepsi all over the floor, so he does what every normal person would do, he gathers up a bag full of pepsi and heads
out into the city. He yells "Hello" a few more times. Now, once again our dvd player started acting up and i don't really
remember what happened next, but i think he walks in to some sort of building (it looked to me like a movie theater, i dunno...)
and he shouts "hello" again. ("hello" count: about 72) a bunch of people come charging at him, but they're ZOMBIES! DUN DUN
DUN! So he runs away screaming and bumps into these people with guns. they go and hide out in this house somewhere and one
of the people starts explaining stuff. sadly our dvd player refused to let us have this information, so i'll say what i think
happened. there was some sort of virus-infected monkey that got loose and bit some girl. it made her vomit blood or something,
i don't know. and then whoever came in contact with this blood got infected too, and it was just a bloody vomit fest. And
then everyone else got infected except for these people with guns and this guy, who i know as the "hello man." anyway, zombies
come bursting into the house they're hiding in and one of the gun guys gets bitten, so the gun girl kills him quite brutally.
The gun girl and the hello man leave the house in a hurry, looking for a safe place to stay. they see flashing christmas lights
on a big apartment building, so they climb up a bunch of shopping carts (?) to get there.
Well, i didn't realize it was this late. i have to get going because i'm leaving early tomorrow. i'll finish
this some other time. if you haven't watched this movie yet, do so so you can really appreciate my anger.
Pirates of the Caribbean
Whee-hee-hee! PIRATES! My favorite things since... well, about a few months ago. If it's got pirates it HAS
to be good! YAR! But I forgot for a moment that this here movie was made by Disney. And therefore the pirates can't be TOO
badass (like Sergo) and have to make stupid joke after stupid joke. Even when they're the walking undead they don't hesitate
to make jokes. Ugh.
ANYWAY. Let me walk you through this movie because chances are if you wanted to see it you already would have.
(and in the case of the Orlando Bloom fangirl, you've must have seen it at least 6 times by now... nice hat:) )
Here goes. Creepy-looking little girl is on a boat. Creepy girl is singing a pirate song (possibly "yo ho
ho and a bottle of rum julius") and the ppl on the boat yell at her because pirates are bad luck. They run across a shipwreck
and there's this unconscious little kid in the water so they haul him aboard. Creepy girl sees a Creepy pendant thingy on
the kid's neck so she swipes it, becoming Creepy Girl with Creepy Pendant.
Fast forward a buncha years later. She is now Creepy Woman, but since she's not singing any creepy tunes anymore,
she's just Woman. She still has the Creepy Pendant (which will now be referred to as CP) Anyhoo, apparently Woman here is
the governor's daughter. She attends this ceremony for Generic Guy A to be promoted from Captain to Commodore, who subsequently
proposes to her and she loses consciousness and falls into the sea. (Yes. It makes more sense if I had've explained why, but
it was a dumb joke and i refuse to.) Lucky for her Captain Johnny Depp dives into the ocean and saves her. Since he's a pirate
there's lotsa hubbub and ppl want to kill him and stuff. He hides in Proxy Error's blacksmith shop and then they have a 14-hour
long swordfight. after several more dumb jokes Johnny gets captured and they throw him in a dungeon-y prison.
That night the whole city is fired upon by a weird ghost ship thing, and the ghost pirates take Woman and
CP aboard their ship after much killing and burning things. And poor trevor goddard takes a bigass axe pendulum thing to the
chest. No wonder the guy's dead now. Anyway, this will turner guy (the blacksmith and the guy Woman swiped the CP from) goes
all heroic and demands they follow the pirate ship to save Woman. When nobody wants to go he springs Johnny from prison
and they set out on some ship that someone stole from somewhere.
ANYWAY, Woman talks with the captain of the pirate ship, and i forget his name so i'll just call him Captain.
She learns that the pirates stole some sort of aztec gold and were cursed until they brought it all back to its rightful
place, and that CP was the last piece of gold they needed to break the curse. They can never die and become cool looking skeletal
pirates when moonlight shines on them. I personally think they're nuts for wanting to break the curse. Skeletal
pirates rock. Oh, whoops. In addition to the gold being brought back they also have to spill the blood of the people that
took the gold originally, and because they're dumb they think that Woman is the descendant of one of their crew and would
have the blood they need. Wow. that's one big sentence. Good thing I'm not saying this.
Anyhoo, Legolas and Edward Scissorhands arrive at this place where the pirates are about to sacrifice
Woman to break the curse. Actually they just cut her palm, but they SAY they're gonna sacrifice her because pirates are like
that. Anyway, the curse doesn't break and they deduce that she isn't the right person. Captain whacks her upside the head
and yells for a while.
I forget what happens next because I was too damn busy trying to figure out where I'd seen one of the pirates
before. Anyway, things happen and somehow Captain Johnny, Woman and the dude from Black Hawk Down are captured by the pirates.
Captain Johnny tells the other captain that that blacksmith feller is the one they need for their curse breakin'. So then
they chuck Johnny and Woman on some island and HAD PLENTY OF TIME FOR CURSE BREAKING BUT DID NOT DO IT FOR SOME STUPID REASON.
Woman burns a bunch of barrels and attracts the attention of the governor's fleet who had been looking for her and they go
back to save whatshisface.
After the boarding of several boats by several different people and skeletons, Ichabod Crane and the pirate
captain have a swordfight. Another long swordfight. But during this swordfight the blacksmith WITH THE POOFIEST SLEEVES IN
THE WORLD cuts his wrist and spills his blood onto the pile of gold, breaking the curse and therefore making Captain Undead
Pirate quite dead when he gets stabbed. The rest of the pirates are mercilessly hunted down and killed just because they're
pirates. *sniff* Lots of huzzahs followed. Everyone goes back to the city and they're about to hang Captain jack because HE'S
A PIRATE but Mr. Blacksmith (who is now wearing the silliest hat i have ever seen) saves him by.... hmm.. i forget
that. Too busy laughing at the hat. Anyway, in the end Woman and Blacksmith live happily ever after and Captain Jack and his
crew of drunks and midgets sail the seven or eight seas. THE END.
I had to leave out a lot of stuff because A) my fingers would hate me B) I forgot a lot of the details because
I was mesmerized by the cute undead monkey and/or laughing to myself at the things that weren't meant to be
funny and C) It's just too damn late. But in conclusion, there was not one "ARRRR" or even a "matey" or "shiver me timbers".
there was some walking of planks but not nearly enough. They should have called it "People that don't even remotely act
like pirates of the caribbean." So if you haven't seen it yet and can withstand stupid jokes and about two hours of Johnny
depp stumbling around like a drunk (who i must admit was still a cutie... must have been the mustache or something) and
can also withstand the way-too-pretty-it's-sickening, overly-heroic and cliched Orlando Bloom without his long blond
wig... I still don't really recommend seeing it. Maybe I'm just angry because there were no Sergo characters in it and
tomorrow I'll be over it and be like, "WOW! that was a kickass movie!" But I doubt it. But it WAS better than most
of the crap I end up seeing at the movies. I dunno. it's your 7 or 8 bucks.
The Ring
Yup, here it is again, you've all seen it but read it again and have a laugh. I still haven't watched this
movie again because I'm still pissed. Enjoy!
freaky horse lady pushes freaky mental kid down a well. she did this because she was nuts and all her horses died. freaky
mental kid can somehow convert her thoughts into a video tape and somehow GET IT OUT OF THE WELL. this tape somehow ends up
at shelter mountain inn, which was for some completely nutzy-ass reason, built on top of this haunted well. well at least
cabin 12 was.
four retarded teenagers watch the tape because there was bad reception on the tv (they wanted to watch a football game.
really, a stupid FOOTBALL GAME!! why not watch it at their house? why go to an inn to watch it? i tell ya.. ) and they get
a phone call telling them they have seven days to live. (why not go complain to the dude that does the great card tricks?
i would have.)
seven days later,two of the teens get into a car accident, one goes all nuts and jumps off a building and the other one
sees the tape again, apparently hides in a closet, shuts the door and looks gross. that's the premise.
then we have miss "vaguely-nicole-kidman-lookalike" whose kid calls her by her first name and wants to be a second haley
joel osment. she gets fired from her job for no reason and protests by still working. she learns that all the teens that died
watched this tape so she gets the wildly brilliant idea to watch the tape herself to see what the fuss is about. she also
gets a phone call. once again i'll say how brilliant it was of her to watch the tape. then she calls up hottie mchotstuff
to find out how the tape got made. the conclusion? it JUST IS. about now i wonder why not burn the damn thing. it'll save
lives. well, one life. but a damn hot one if you ask me. anyway, miss kidman wannabe makes the hot guy watch the tape (such
utter BRILLIANCE on her part) and gets him involved too. then they decide to make a copy. also brilliant. circulate the killer
vhs. wonderful.
rachel (as the kid likes to call his mom) then watches the freaky tape over and over like a broken record and finds a lighthouse
stuck off to the side of one shot and goes to research where the hell it is. moesko island. (yeah, i remember the name. don't
ask me how.) she finds out who the woman in the tape is. a horse breeder who likes to smile in mirrors and jump off cliffs.
so she goes to check out the place and finds a weird old man in a dirty white tank top with a big beer gut and furry eyebrows.
it's the woman's gorgeous husband. she asks a few questions and goes away. riveting entertainment. then, while rifling through
another giant book of newspapers, she finds out they had a daughter. she sends mr. yummers to find out who the hell she was.
more things happen. they find out that this kid was mental and was locked up in a barn with the horses. oh, and sometime before
that, the stupid kid watches the tape. he said he "couldn't sleep." and that freaky thing will HELP him sleep? god, ppl. THINK!!!!
and the old beer-gutted man electrocutes himself in his tub. rachel screams for about twenty minutes.
anyway, they find out that the tape is leading them back to that inn with the card magician. they go back there and mr.
sexy eyes and cool hair goes nuts and breaks a lot of things. then they tear up the floor and find a well. they throw down
a rock. maybe it splashed when they said "how far down do you think it goes?" miss kidman's time is up and the tv flickers
back on and tries to shove her down the well. you hear that? a TV PUSHES HER DOWN THE WELL! she falls in water a few metres
down. the rock is nowhere to be found. then a hand comes up and grabs rachel by the arm. nummy nummy noah goes outside to
get something to get rachel out of the well and the well closes up. dun dun DUN! it's the ring! and anyway, rachel finds out
that samara's body is in the well, and for some reason amazingly not decaying for twenty-some odd years. but then, bam! there
she goes. it's skeleton time. and amazingly enough, the whole skeleton stays intact in rachel's arms. even though there's
no muscles holding the head to the body or any bone to any other bone. well, samara was a nut anyway. it's fitting for her
skeleton to act strange.
then it looks like it's over. rachel's still alive, it's past her time to die. but then stupid friggin aidan goes and says
"she never sleeps!!" and then his nose starts too bleed. perhaps he was digging his nose too much. why did they all have nosebleeds,
anyway? why not something else? and what was the deal with whats-her-name barfin' up that thing? what did THAT mean? anyway..
rachel tries to get a hold of sexy mcstud but he's transfixed on the tv. samara's back with a vengeance. he watches the tv,
watches her come towards him from the well, but decides that backing up slowly and tripping over things and grinding glass
into his hand will give him enough time to get away. and then he screams like a little girl.
rachel goes to talk to him and finds blood all over the floor and sees him sitting in a chair in front of the tv. (samara
was nice, she didn't want him dying on the cold floor, now, did she?) she goes around, looks at him and screams. she runs
out crying. apparently he's not too hot anymore. but we don't get to see that yet.
she runs home and burns the tape. (way to go, when the hot guy's dead already. sheeshers.) and she realizes that the only
reason she didn't die was cuz she made a copy of the tape. so she gets her twerp kid to make a tape to save his life. then
in a creepy little twist the kid says, "but the tape'll keep on killing. what'll happen to the people we show it to?" and
then the screen switches to the actual tape with the freaky well and then it turns to static... MWA HA HA HA. but think about
what the kid said. "people we show it to?" why the HELL would they show it to anyone? and yeah, those was his actual words.
it struck me as dumb. but i thought everything was dumb after the 'should-have-been-the-hero' character died.
so, how did the tape get made? samara dreamed it up. just like my chocolate frogs. why did aidan call rachel 'rachel'?
because he has no respect for his mom. why didn't the rock make a sound? it did. we were just too busy trying to figure what
the hell was going on. or maybe it didn't because that would have just made things less spooky if they knew there was water
there before rachel fell in. why were there horses all over the place? because they had nothing else to do. they wanted to
be in the movie. why did they kill off the hot guy? they wanted to PISS ME OFF.
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