okay, here's what i've got so far.. sergo, the incredibuff ex-pirate and worker on the sandship Moria (i think that's what it was called) is growing increasingly bored of the pointless busywork that the captain loads him down with (swab the deck! fix the engines! buy a stairmaster!) and tries to find a way out of his nightmare. eventually, the sandship picks up three passengers who are on a quest for some stupid tree somewhere and they're being hunted down by a maniac on some sort of hover-motorcycle thing. a chase ensues when the maniac finds out his enemies are stowaways on sergo's sandship. sergo decides to help the three people and distracts the maniac with his muscles and his pirate talk. ("arrr, matey! these seas are rough, says i...") the three stowaways manage to get away, hiding in a nearby desert town. in the confusion, sergo realizes that this may be his only chance to escape his boring life so he jumps ship as well. seconds later the whole ship explodes because sergo neglected to do one of his assigned tasks.. ("fix the engines!") taking the insane mech rider with it.

sergo wanders the desert for days, eventually meeting up with the three passengers again- a girl, a boy and a little sprite that can't seem to decide what gender it is. they say that they're off to the fire temple to save some lizard or something. sergo doesn't care. he wants action. he wants bloody battles and poofy pants. the boy directs him to a cannon travel center a few miles away, gives him some cash and tells him to exercise more. sergo takes the advice and heads toward the cannon, stopping do do several sets of pushups along the way. when he reaches the cannon, he meets up with a soldier who has what looks like a blond afro and rather large blue soldier pants. sergo realizes that this man is none other than major dyluck of kippo village, famous for his... well, he's famous. he tried to kill a witch once. dyluck understands sergo's need for excitement, and, having been discharged from the pandoran (?? pan-doran?? holy frijoles..)army himself (for having "dranken" too much on the job), he decides to team up with sergo in search of a new life.

before they leave, dyluck turns to sergo and says,

" sergo, in a few days you'll be sitting in a clinic in clock town next to a mummified holy frijole of pandora with a box of timbits chained to your arm." but sergo doesn't hear him because he's doing some last minute crunches before its time to go.

the cannon man suggests the lofty mountains and the big city of mandala. lots of exciting things happen there. sergo and dyluck agree, and they pay the cannon man the fifty dollars to get shot out of the cannon in the general direction of mandala. (they're risk takers, those two.) they climb into the cannon and the dude lights the fuse... KA-BOOM! they get shot high up into the air, crashing into a white feathery dragon that is carryng none other than the boy the girl and the sprite. the girl shouts, "oh my stars! it's dyluck!" and reaches forward to grab hold of his hand. the boy reaches for sergo, saying, "hey! you're the weirdo we met in the desert!" the sprite just sits and watches as the boy and girl do all the work as sergo and dyluck are lifted onto the dragon.

after some tea and crumpets, sergo decides it's time to leave for wherever the hell the cannon guy said. he asks to be dropped off near mandala, and dyluck agrees to acompany him despite the girl's pleas for him to stay. on the way there, the boy asks sergo,

"So why exactly did you leave the sandship? you seemed happy there."

sergo shook his head thoughtfully and replied, "i used to be a pirate, you know. my brother, zergo, was killed in a shipwreck. he was trying to find the legendary purple poofy pirate pants, but his ship was attacked by a sea-cowlion and it sank. there was only one survivor.. but the experience has completely traumatized him and now he can only speak in exclamation points.... it's a pity.."

the girl frowned. "so i guess you're going to go try to get those pants, huh? to avenge your brother maybe? kill that cow-lion creature?"

"my brother wanted those poofy pants more than...more than i want my own personal gym. and that horrible cow-lion wouldn't let him have them... by golly, i'll get those magic pants if it's the last thing i do!" sergo stuck out his chin defiantly, crossing his arms.

"oh, they're magic now?" dyluck asked.

"well, of course they're magic!" sergo said, sounding offended. "why do you think my brother wanted them so bad??"

"because they were purple?" dyluck ventured. "and poofy?"

"those pants are like a trophy! they show everyone that you were strong enough and brave enough to defeat the cow-lion guard! every pirate wants them!"

"how did the pants get there?" the sprite asked. "whose were they?"

"the pants belonged to poofbeard, the first poofy pantsed pirate.." sergo told the little boy/girl. "they're in a cave on the coast of an eastern land. as for how they got there, it was where poofbeard spent his last days.everyone is sure the pants are there."

"so why the hell are you going to mandala?" dyluck asked.

"i'm not ready yet to face the seacow-lion," sergo informed him. "first i must gather supplies and information. and a stairmaster. i left mine on the sandship.."

Chapter 2: No Wonder she Le-ft

The remainder of the flight to mandala was relatively uneventful, save for the few times sergo fell off while trying to do stomach crunches. as the great white dragon touched down on the outskirts of the mountain city of mandala, a harried looking man who for some reason was dressed like a clown rushed up to them, fear in his eyes.

"finally! someone has come to stop the madness!" he blubbered, dropping to his knees and clasping his hands together. "it's.. it's horrible! you've gotta do something!"

dyluck looked down at him, then at sergo, then at the others. they looked just as in the dark as he felt.

sergo stepped forward when it was clear that nobody else was going to. in a deep gravelly voice that all good heroes should have, he said, "what seems to be the trouble, my good man?"

the man just shook his head and pointed at a large temple-looking building in the heart of the city.

"that's the opera house," the sprite put in. "what's wrong with the opera house?"

the man didn't answer, instead putting his hands on the sides of his head and forcing his eyes shut.

sergo crouched in front of the kneeling man and asked slowly, "do you know... where i could get a stairmast-"

"come on!" the girl snaps. "this is serious! forget about your fat for a second!" she shoves sergo aside and asks sweetly,"what's your name, you poor dear?"

"k-kefka.." the clown choked in answer. "we were performing... me and octomamm, the world-famous cloctopus.. when HE came... took over... octomamm never made it.."

"who's "he"?" the boy asked, adjusting his fruity pink bandanna and 2-foot tall brown mohawk.

"i don't know," kefka replied. "i don't know who he is or what he wants with mandala.. but you've gotta stop him before the whole city's his!"

"what's he doing? magic? i can deal with magic! i killed a witch once!" dyluck says proudly. "well, i went to kill one and my whole platoon got eaten by a tiger and i got brainwashed, but that's just as good as killing a witch!"

"you couldn't kill a dead ant," the girl scoffs.

dyluck pondered for a moment about how absolutely strange that statement was. his train of thought was broken as sergo announced proudly, "this will be my first test of strength to see if i am worthy of challenging the seacow-lion! i will defeat this nameless beast that haunts the opera house, no matter how buff it will be!"

"he's not that buff at all," kefka informs sergo. "hell, i coulda taken him if i hadn't've.."the tired looking clown collapses onto the cobbles.

"that settles it then!" sergo exclaims, drawing his cutlass and swinging it in the air like a big show off for about ten minutes.

"well, aren't you going to go fight this thing?" the girl prompts. "or are you going to just stand there like a complete nutcase and attack that evil air?"

"i have to warm up," sergo hisses. "if you go into battle without warming up, you end up pulling muscles and junk! i can't afford that!" he looks at the others and says, "you all stay here with this clown guy. i'll take care of everything."

"what if you need our help?" the boy asks. "how will we know?"

sergo flexes his muscles and says, "how could THIS need your help?"

"apparently this thing's killed a cloctopus," dyluck reminds him. "they have eight really buff arms, you know. eight. you have two."

the androgynous sprite screams maniacally and charges at the distant opera house, waving a wooden staff in the air. "come on! let's all go take him on!"

"7-up! no!" the girl calls after it. (7-up the sprite.. hee hee hee.. i'm so brilliant) "let sergo do it!"

7-up refuses to acknowledge the plea and continues to rush for the opera house.

the boy sighs and says, "well, i guess it's right, we should all go fight this thing."

"but we don't even know what it is!" the girl shoots back.

"all the more reason to help out,"dyluck suggests.

the boy, the girl and dyluck charge the opera house, leaving sergo still waving his sword in the air like a jackass.

"get the hell after them!" the dragon growls, slapping sergo on the posterior with its big feathered tail.

sergo finally decides he's "warmed up" and runs after the others......

the great big double doors of the opera house stand closed before sergo and the others. they can hear music within, albeit very faintly. there is also the sound of someone singing horribly off key, but the words are muffled beyond recognition. sergo shivers.

"it sounds like someone's having a good time, at least," he says brightly, trying to trick himself into not being scared.

7-up presses its ear to the big door. "missy! bobo! come listen to this!" it exclaims.

the boy and the girl copy the sprite's action and lean against the door. after mere seconds they recoil in horror.

"kefka was right," the girl says in disgust. "that is madness!"

"what is it, bobo?" dyluck asks, eager to find out what they were up against.

bobo shakes her head grimly. "are you guys ready for this?" she asks.

"open the doors,"sergo orders.

missy, bobo and 7-up push open the gigantic opera house doors, walking in cautiously into the lobby. the music is deafening- a horrible kazoo rendition of kim stockwood's "12 years old" blares from behind the closed doors to the stage. as sergo and dyluck head in after missy, bobo and 7-up,they take the time to look at posters for future acts: "Celes Chere in: I'M A GENERAL, NOT A LOVE STARVED TWIT!!! (a hip-hop drama) and "Tales of a Sea-Faring Boyt Boy", a collection of stories compiled by Poofbeard the pirate.

sergo looks at the second poster for a while, then reads the fine print at the bottom:"*not actually compiled by poofbeard himself, but by his friend's cousin's great-niece's pet donkey's caretaker"

"that's horrible!"he says."using poofbeard's name to trick people out of their money. i sergo, will not stand for this!" he turns to the others. "where's the owner of this house of lies??"

the kazoo music abruptly stops, followed by what sounded like shrieks of "encore! encore!"

"uh, sergo,"missy says in a warning tone, "don't you think we should do something about this first?" he opens the doors to the seats, revealing thousands of opera fans on the floor, screaming and covering their ears. they were in fact screaming "no more, no more!"

"what's wrong??" bobo shouts, rushing into the auditorium. "what's on stage??"

dyluck glances at the poster on the door:

"TODAY ONLY:

ULTROS PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:

A TALE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS..

A MAN MUST FIGHT FOR HIS LIFE,

A GAY MAN MUST PLAY THE UKELELE,

AND AN OCTOPUS MUST DROP A HUGE WEIGHT

FROM THE RAFTERS FOR NO APPARENT REASON!

COME ONE, COME ALL TO THE DRAMA THAT IS....

FRIJOLES AND CHALOPS

-the story of link and that four faced thing-

STARRING:

OCTOMAMM as Ultros

LINK as himself

GHALEON as Cheval / the blue face

MARIO as the red face LUIGI as the green face

WALUIGI as the purple face and KEFKA as filler

MUSIC BY: Runaway Five (or six if you count the keyboard guy)

Tickets: 4 bombs or $48.00

"phh," he thinks. "i could buy two wet towels for that price."

the ragtag band of comrades approach the stage, taking care not to step on any opera patrons. a spotlight illuminates a small portion of the stage and all other lights in the room go out.

everyone stops and stares...

a rather large dinosaur-turtle thing steps into the lit circle, holding a microphone. he clears his throat and begins to sing in a unbelievably low voice,

"oh how my heart bre-aks when she's not a-round and i mi-ss her.."

7-up shudders and covers its ears. "stop! stop the horrid singing!!!" it pleads to the others.

the entire cast of frijoles and chalops, minus kefka and octomamm (who is in a trembling heap of tentacles on stage) stands off to the side of the stage in a huddle.

mario looks up and sees sergo and waves for him to join them.

"come on, youse guys! we must-ta stoppa dis ting!"he shouts in his stereotypical italian voice. "we needa your help!"

sergo and the others, minus 7-up who is rolling around on the floor covering its ears, rush up on stage, taking great care not to step close to the koopa who is now belting out "you can't get bored eating bits and bites snacks cuz your mouth never knows til it's aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall over" in c major. or perhaps it's d minor. nobody can tell because the entire audience is shouting and screaming. but the singer seems pleased with himself.

"so what can we do about this?" missy asks. he pulls a big silver cup-goblet thing out of his pack and tosses the contents of it at the fallen sprite. 7-up manages to get to its feet.

"thanks, missy," it says with a beaming smile.

"yeah, well that cost me 300 bucks from that stupid overcharging cat! you better appreciate it!"missy snaps, tossing the empty cup of wishes to the floor.

"you've fought this guy before, haven't you, you big burly studmuffin?"ghaleon nudges mario in the ribs.

mario backs out of the huddle, walks up to the singing bowser and touches a spike that protrudes from the koopa's back. mario becomes scrawny and very short, and therefore much less desirable towards the gay ukelele player. he walks back towards the group, feeling more secure.

link points at bowser then at luigi and then jumps up and down.

"what? can't you talk?" dyluck demands.

bobo looks at link with concern. "is something wrong??"

"he hasn't been talking all night," waluigi tells them.

bobo understands and slaps link hard on the back. about fifty mint sticks shoot from the little elf's mouth and he shouts,"SKANK!"

" for your darn tootin' information, bub, i just saved your life! you coulda choked on those!" she snaps.

"darn tootin?" sergo says quietly.

"you coulda WARNED ME!" link says angrily, drawing his sword. "oh, well, forget it for now! we've gotta get back the triforce!"

luigi sighs, "i've-a told you, da triforce is safe in hyrule castle! how many times must i tell you dat?"

ghaleon looks at the newcomers. "don't mind link. he just tends to take his roles a little seriously. and he had a troubled childhood, you know, with apparently having no parents and being possibly related to his girlfriend.. and he was always followed around by this raggedy old woman who kept raving about some mark he had on his hand.."

"it was a temporary tattoo," link informed everyone. "now come on, are we gonna just sit here and talk about crap or are we gonna waste this horker?"

"you're right."ghaleon claps his hands and looks at the band in the pit. "some fighting music please!" he commands.

the runaway five plus one start jammin'... to the tune of the super mario world ending!

bowser recognizes the tune and finally turns away from his captivated audience toward sergo and friends.

"my, aren't we confident?" he chortles. "playing your victory tune already?" he throws down the microphone furiously. "come on! take your best shot!"

link pulls out a big blue bomb. luigi protests,

"what are you doing? you wanta blow uppa dis whole place?"

the bomb is snatched from link's hands and he says, "??!!!!"

mario chows down on a red flower and his outfit changes color for some strange reason (yeah, i know you can't have a small fire-mario, so sue me.) and he charges at bowser, tossing fireballs at him. they fizzle on his scaly hide. mario then skids to a halt and turns and runs back to the safety of the others.

7-up raises its staff and yells, "FREEZE!"

nothing seems to happen.

"damn, i'm outta magic points!" the sprite says with disappointment. "i shouldn't have sold my last faerie walnut for this stupid chocolate bar!!" it throws his staff down to the floor and jumps up and down on it.

bowser smiles and spews a little blurb of fire at the group. ghaleon bats it aside with his fruity-loop ukelele.

"now it's MY turn!" announces the dress wearing freak. he screams like a girl and shuts his eyes, rushing towards the king koopa, swinging the ukelele blindly in front of him. bowser steps aside and ghaleon keeps going until he's out of sight. his screams echo into silence....

dyluck steps up to the challenge now, trying to remember his army training.

he draws his sword and says, "i shall strike you down in the name of pandora!"

bowser sits down and nods politely. he begins to pick his teeth.

"darnfriggin'fireballsburnmygums,"he slurrs.

dyluck approaches with caution, sword pointed at the reptile.

"aren't you gonna fight back?" he demands.

"sure, kid." bowser assures him. "sure."

dyluck shrugs and swings his sword at bowser's head. the sword makes a clanging sound as it hits and breaks in two.

"yeah, that happens when you fight turtles and stuff," link puts in, being the seasoned pro. "you have to flip them with your shield first."

dyluck looks at his broken sword and says sadly, "this cost me like twenty bucks! i passed up a peanut cheese bar for this!"

bowser shrugs. "shoulda thought of that before you attacked me, huh?"

"we can't win!" bobo shrieks. "it's all over for bobo and missy and 7-up! we'll never find the mana tree!"

sergo smiles. he knew how to beat this overgrown turtley thing. he looks at the others and says, "distract him, keep him occupied.. but don't get too close, okay?"

"why? what are you gonna do?" link demands.

sergo shakes his head. "just do as i say!"

"fine then,"concedes link.

as the others distract bowser by insulting him ("you got kicked out of your house by a talkin' sword!" "your niece wendy o. is a SKANK!" "you got tired of your old job of saying 'duhhhhh.. whirley's comin', did ya?") sergo sneaks across the stage...

bowser growls and stands up, snarling, "that's IT! now you're gonna get it!"

sergo picks up a rather large ornamental axe and the whole stage collapses, taking bowser with it.

the others all cheer..

Chapter 3: No Breakfast for the Wicked

The next day.....

sergo, missy, bobo, 7-up and dyluck, after spending the night at the mandala inn for free courtesy of link who had 999 rupees and had to ditch some (it must be hard to lug all those jewels around), opt for breakfast at said inn before they head off to find sergo a stairmaster so he'll shut the hell up about the friggin' thing.

they each pull a stool up to the counter and sit down. 7-up gets a stepladder to reach its seat.

"so," sergo asks the man at the counter, "what do you serve for breakfast?

the man, a rather evil-looking, apron-clad silver-haired person that could be best described as a really buff and butch ghaleon, thrusts a thumb in the direction of a menu that occupied the wall behind him. he doesn't look up from cutting up onions with an unbelievably long and thin sword.

sergo squints to read it (i luv makin' posters and things.. you'll for sure see at least one in every part)

Torte's Bakery and Bistro (Formerly Sephiroth's Onion Shack)

TODAY'S MENU:

Eggs and Bacon............................................................................$2.50

Bacon and Eggs............................................................................$3.00

VeeVeeVerne and Eggs................................................................$2.00

Bowser Chunks (FRESH!)...........................................................$2.50

Boiled Yoshi Egg..........................................................................$2.00

1-Up Mushroom Platter.............................................................. 100 coins

Cure-All Medicine (the blue junk)............................................. 300 rupees

Phanna Special (if you're desperate).........................................$0.50

Patch-Kabob (good for fixing broken bones!)........................$1.25

Crazy Tracy's Elixir (drink it just before you die!)....................$300.00

EVIL CAKE..........................................................................(ASK MANAGER)

Bottle of DELUXE Water...........................................................$198.00

SMILES........................................................................DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK

"What's a Vee...Vee..Verne?" Bobo asks politely to the onion cutter.

the man looks up at her with suspicious eyes. "are you suggesting that we cook our apprentice chefs?" he demands, holding the sword to her throat. it reeks of onions.

"n-no!!" she says in surprise. "i just asked what a veeveeverne was! that's all! i'm not suggesting anything! sergo, tell him!"

"i'll have a veeveeverne and eggs," sergo says with a nod. "and don't skimp on the vee."

"BOWSER CHUNKS?" dyluck says in alarm. "gee, you guys don't waste your time!"

the sword shifts to dyluck's throat.

"are you guys gonna order something or just sit here and make comments?" the onion man hisses venomously.

"i said i'll have a veeveeverne and eggs,"sergo says again. "with plenty of vee."

a horrid screeching/garbling sound comes from the kitchen and sergo grabs his cutlass.

"what was that?" he asks, wide-eyed.

the kitchen door swings open and a big turtle-shell-like thing with no legs and a lot of spikes slinks into the room and slowly goes behind the counter. it has a hat on that says "TRAINEE" in big black letters on where it was thought to be its head and a bright yellow pin that says, "hello! i'm lavos! how can i help you today?" is stuck to where its chest was thought to be. the"lavos" is written in shaky black crayon.

a memo was stuck to its back.

"oh, what is it now? you didn't cause an earthquake again, did you?' the man takes the little sticky paper and reads it. "Sephiroth: we need more bowser chunks. we're running out. go get some, lavos can take over for you. - torte"

"I'LL HAVE A VEEVEEVERNE WITH EGGS, WITH BOATLOADS OF VEE!" sergo says with impatience

"i've gotta go to the opera house and pick up some more ingredients,"sephiroth says, "just tell lavos here what you want and he'll go tell torte."

sephiroth heads for the door and lavos, for lack of a better word, stands up straight and perhaps looks at sergo and the others, but nobody knows where its eyes are either.

the group exchange confused glances but proceed to order their food. they all (well, except sergo, who is at the moment screaming at lavos that he wants a veeveeverne with a big honkin' dollop of vee) choose the relatively harmless-sounding bacon and eggs, hoping the extra fifty cents means more quality. dyluck orders a smile just to be a bother. lavos slobbers all over the counter in an attempt to comply, then disappears back into the kitchen.

"i wonder how link and the others are doing," missy puts in. "i mean, they pay for our rooms and just disappear? did they say where they were going?"

"link said he had to go look for some bomb flowers. mario and luigi and the other luigi went off to play tennis."sergo told him. "but link said he knew a guy that knows about poofbeard and his pants, so before we leave here, remind me to get in touch with link."

7-up scratches its head thoughtfully. "i wonder where ghaleon went?"

... running through the streets of threed, still blindly swiping his ukelele at nothing, ghaleon shouts,"how do you like THAT, bowser?"

the zombies look on in confusion as ghaleon rushes by.

"he'll turn up someday,"dyluck says.

a turtle with a chef's hat and apron comes out of the kitchen with a bunch of plates of bacon and eggs.

"which one wanted the veeveeverne?" he asks.

sergo slams his fists on the counter. "i did! and don't you dare tell me you're out of vee!"

"no, but we're out of eggs."

sergo gets up and storms out of the "bistro and bakery."

Missy looks at his watch and spits out his mouthful of overpriced breakfast.

"Bobo! 7-up!" he says with frenetic surprise, "we've gotta get outta here!!"

"Why?" 7-up complains. "i'm not finished my eggs yet!"

"have you forgotten about our journey??" missy demands. "we have to revive the mana tree before the empire takes over the world!!"

bobo rolls her eyes and polishes off her eggs. "like the empire can do anything," she scoffs. "we've got all the time in the world. i mean, geshtar blew up with the sandship, thanatos is some sort of goat/yak hybrid that wears a dress, sheex is just another weirdo that can change into a spider, and fanha, well, what has he ever done? do you even know who fanha is?"

"girl with long blue hair?" 7-up guesses.

"no!"bobo says in frustration. "FANHA!"

"brown hair? doesn't talk much?" dyluck throws in. "i had to get his coffee every morning."

"why are you two still sitting there??' missy shouts. "we have to go to pure land like RIGHT NOW!!"

he jumps off his stool and grabs 7-up and bobo by the arms, hauling them to their feet

"whoa, whoa, whoa, missy!" 7-up protests. "what about sergo and the poofy pants and all that? i thought we were going to help him!"

"what do you think is more important, pants or peace?" missy asks it.

"you're right," bobo admits reluctantly.

"i'd go for the pants," dyluck says with a mouthful of bacon. "screw peace. magic pants are where it's at today."

missy tosses a few gold coins on the counter and rushes out the door, hauling bobo and 7-up with him.

dyluck looks at torte and says, "well, i guess i should be going too, sergo'll probably leave me here if i stay here too long." he too flips a few coins inexpertly onto the counter and adds, "by the way, that sephiroth guy is a nutbucket. you should fire him and promote that hideous spiky shell thing. at least he was nice."

"yeah, he's just not the kind of thing you'd like to see when you're eating. sometimes he shoots big needles from his mouth and impales customers. we kinda like to keep him out of sight in the kitchen."

dyluck nods and backs away slowly.

"you come back sometime, y'hear?" torte calls to him as he leaves.

dyluck makes a mental note never to come back to torte's bistro and bakery.

sergo walks through the streets of mandala, hoping to find a restaurant that actually supplies what they're advertising. he passes a Mach Pizza, dismissing it as "fatty food". and also because of the fact that the pizzas were 48 bucks and up. and probably way too colorful for his liking.

a little way up the street he sees link, haggling with a local merchant over a flute of some sort. he overhears a bit of their conversation.

"so this'll really call something?" link asks. "it's not just a flute you just picked up from a 25-cent machine?"

the merchant shakes his head. "it's the real deal! i don't sell fake merchandise!"

"what does it call?"

the merchant shrugs. "i don't know. i never used it. why don't you buy it and find out?"

"how much?" link asks, digging in his pockets.

"oh, i don't know..."the merchant strokes his chin, looking deep in thought. "how about 150 rupees? that's a fair price, don't you think?"

link looks at the merchant in disbelief. "150 rupees for something that might summon a big bucket of nothing?"

sergo decides to intervene. he walks over to the flute seller and says in an opposing voice, hand on the hilt of his cutlass, "is this guy giving you a problem, link?"

about ten seconds later, link and sergo walk away from the flute stand, link having gotten the flute on the house, avoiding, in sergo's words, "a big fracas." the merchant seemed ecstatic about the whole agreement.

"you said you knew someone that knows about the magic pants, right?" sergo asks.

"yeah, he lives in hyrule. he claims to have known poofbeard.. he used to tell me about the legendary pants of poof all the time. it was like an obsession."

"really? he knew poofbeard? he must be really really old.."

"well, he's an elf like me. we live for ages. even after falling in lava and getting the chalops beaten outta us by hardhat beetles, we come back for more."

"amazing," sergo says with approval. "so this guy's not a phoney?"

"oh, sweet farore, no," link assures him. "he's given me advice so many times over the course of my journey that i know this guy's the real deal."

"well, i guess it won't hurt to try. what's his name? maybe i've heard of him."

"if you've heard his name once, you generally don't forget it," link told him. "it's like fifty letters long. we're thinking that nintendo went overboard with the a's."

"fifty letters long?" sergo says in doubt.

"yeah, but everyone i know calls him 'Big S'." link informs sergo. "it's easier to pronounce and makes conversations that much quicker."

" i see."

"where's the rest of your team?" link asks after a pause.

"huh?"

"that dragon that was standing outside the inn's gone! that was you guys's, right?"

sergo turns to the mandala inn, seeing that link was right.

"they left without me, those... oddly named people!" it was sergo's best attempt at an insult. 'how are we supposed to get to hyrule now??"

they watch as dyluck steps outside, backwards, and nearly trips over some loose pebbles.

"and they leave me with that weirdo!" sergo adds. "when i get my hands on those three, i'm gonna-"

dyluck turns towards sergo and gives him a friendly wave.

"missy, bobo and that short little squirt left for some tree or something." dyluck shrugs and adds, "they just left. no 'goodbye' or 'see you later' or 'do you need a lift somewhere', nothing."

"well, if you guys want to leave, i can blow the flute," link suggests. "it might work."

"where are we going, then?" dyluck wonders. " i thought sergo wanted to look around for a stairmaster! he's been complaining all friggin' day!"

"we think we may have found a friend of poofbeard," sergo explains. "he's in hyrule. i think that may be more important than me getting in shape. maybe. just a bit."

"hyrule, eh? isn't that the place with the big eared people and the psycho chickens?"

link looks a little offended and embarrassed. he pulls his little green elf hat down over his ears, then coughs and says, "the chickens aren't psycho unless you provoke them."

"i don't want to go to hyrule!!!" dyluck whines. "there's warpholes and indestructable rabbits and-"

"this isn't about you," sergo reminds him. "look, you came with me so you could travel the world, right? hyrule's part of the world, you know!"

"...indestructable rabbits? wha... don't tell me you tried to... 'destruct' one???!!" link put in.

"it shouldn't have been in the bottle grotto,"dyluck shot back, crossing his arms.

'what were you doing in the bottle grotto??" link demands. he thinks about it momentarily. "that's not even IN hyrule! it's in a big whale's dream!"

dyluck looks shocked. "i must have been real tanked up that day."

"look, you two!" sergo says in a paternal voice, "how about we talk about this on the way there, huh? link, go blow your horn!"

"flute," link corrects.

"doesn't look like a flute," dyluck puts in. "it's just a blue blob with holes in it."

"whatever it is!" sergo says, now getting a little annoyed.

"someone never had his wheaties this morning," observes dyluck.

link blows the flute. it makes a weird sound that only decent computers can accurately reproduce. moments later, a gigantic white bear with stupid little wings comes hurtling down from the sky and lands heavily on his rear end.

"my name's moosh,"it says in a gruff bear-y voice. "i'm rather stupid and can only fly for like a second before i fall into a hole. my last master left me on talus peaks while he ran off to build a bridge."

link shifts uncomfortably and pulls his hat down farther.

"can you take us to hyrule, do you think?" sergo asks.

"what, all three of you?" moosh bellows. "i'm not a jumbo jet!"

"how about just me and the little dude?" sergo persists.

moosh looks the two of them over.

"hyrule? that's pretty far..."

"we know it's far. that's why we need you to fly us there," sergo says in a "tired of explaining things" voice.

"it must be important for you to call on me. i'm kinda like a last resort. i s'pose i could give it a try." moosh gets down on all fours and link climbs up onto the bear, followed by sergo's bulky buffness. dyluck stands there looking neglected.

"wh-what about me? what am i supposed to do?" he blubbers.

"go buy another flute from the merchant,"link suggests, pointing him out to dyluck. he leans over and says to dyluck quietly, "consider yourself lucky not to be riding this air bear. he's about as graceful as, well, a bear with tiny wings. it's not a fun ride."

dyluck watches moosh rise jerkily into the air, fall back down twice and finally lift off. he stalks off toward the market and approaches the flute guy.

"do you have anymore flutes that can call things?" he asks.

the merchant looks at him calculatingly.

"what the hell's a pandoran soldier doing in mandala?"

"looking for pants," dyluck replies matter-of-factly.

"well, there's a nice clothing store just down the-"

"they're special pants."

the merchant shakes his head. "don't tell me, you're looking for poofbeard's legacy, right?"

"why? is that a bad thing?" dyluck growls. "just give me the flute, alright?"

"there was a guy here a few days ago that was about your age looking for them too."

"really? who was it? do you know?"

"yeah, couldn't forget a pig-faced ugly thing like that." the merchant dug in a basket of assorted junk and came up with a scroll. "not ten minutes later, hyrulean soldiers came around handing everyone these things. take a look."

dyluck took the scroll and unfurled it. a big ugly picture of a big ugly man stared back at him. beneath the picture was a caption: "wanted for kidnapping the princess. reward :999 rupees, 4 heart containers, a good hookshot (not the crappy switch hook) and the legendary insect- the GOOD BEE. (in a bottle)

"this is the guy?" dyluck asks.

"yeah, that's him. he's looking for the pants too. his name kinda sounds like a brand of chocolate. i forget what it is."

"'badbury? shershey??" dyluck supplies. "kanong?"

"ganon! that's it!" the merchant replies. he hands dyluck a flute and says, this one calls a rather agressive kangaroo. be careful with it. and keep the poster, just in case."

link and sergo get up and dust themselves off after falling off moosh for the 35th time.

"almost there!" moosh says proudly.

a kangaroo wearing big red boxing gloves bounds by.

sergo watches the rider give him a thumbs down and a raspberry.

Chapter 4: Hylian Hijinx

sergo, link and dyluck regroup at the border of hyrule and whatever hyrule borders. moosh and ricky the tanked up kangaroo decide to go exploring. they leave the three men on their own in a strange land... dun dun DUN!!

"so, link, where's this guy's house?"

link presses the x button and looks at his map. he sees a blinking picture of himself near the shores of lake hylia. he closes the map.

"a little north of here," link says with certainty. "can you guys swim?"

"i'm a pirate, what do you think?" sergo scoffs.

"i can doggy paddle," dyluck says proudly. "the pandoran army isn't real big on aquatics n' junk."

"what DID they teach you there?" sergo wonders aloud.

"they gave me a sword and said 'don't stab yourself.'" dyluck remembers.

"i thought you said you paid twenty bucks for yours! you passed up a peanut cheese bar, remember?" sergo tells him.

"yeah.. i had to buy a new one.. there was an... incident.." dyluck scratches his head in embarrassment.

"did you give it to stupid dwarves to temper and they didn't give it back?" link says with hostility. he adds with a grumble, "i was out there for hours punching - PUNCHING - those armored soldiers."

"actually, i lost my sword in a poker game to a dude named seltzer or something." dyluck replies. 'i s'pose i shouldn't have challenged a guy that had those fuzzy dice hanging in thousands off the back of his airship. you just KNOW that a guy who does that is either a nutter or a gambler."

"hey, look at this," sergo puts in, crouching to pick up a flapping fish that somehow got on the bank.

"yeah, that happens," link says without sympathy. "usually when you go back in time and stuff. you'd be surprised how long those things can flap around without air.. i watched one for like two minutes once."

"well, i have respect for sea creatures," sergo snaps. he tosses the fish back into the lake.

a second later a rather large red jewel flies out of the lake and smacks sergo in the head. he stumbles back and curses loudly.

"hey, twenty bucks!"link exclaims, stooping to pick up the red rupee.

"let's get going, shall we?" sergo hisses, rubbing his forehead.

the three jump into the lake and begin swimming. after a few minutes they reach an island with a little cave. link opens his map again.

"huh.."he says with confusion. "i've been here in the dark world and it's an ice dungeon. i wonder what we have here.."

sergo looks out onto a nearby island, smaller than the one they were currently on. a weird looking cucumber thingy was strutting back and forth as if guarding the island.

"c'mon, you guys, let's go inside," link encourages. "i've never been here,"

"we're supposed to be looking for the 'big S'," sergo reminds him. "now let's go."

"look, i'm the guy with the map, okay? and i'm the only person who knows how to get to his house. so you better not piss me off." link snaps back. "we're in no hurry." he proceeds to enter the cave.

"actually, that flute guy said ganon was-" dyluck begins, but was drowned out by link exclaiming,

"wow! the pond of happiness! come check this out, you guys!"

sergo and dyluck follow the little elf into the cave. torches line the walls up to a raised platform that stands in front of a pool of water that looks rather deep.

" 'the pond of happiness', "link reads. "throw all your money in and if you're lucky you might get a prize."(as you can see, i forget the original words)

"that doesn't sound like something you would do at a 'pond of happiness',"sergo observes.

"a PRIZE??' dyluck's eyes light up and he digs in his pockets, looking for any stray coins. he comes up with three nickels, a grenade, (link and sergo cower at the sight of it) and a ticket stub from The Crucible. he tosses the three nickels into the pond and pockets the grenade and ticket stub. sergo and link breathe a sigh of relief.

the whole cave rumbles. "so far you have thrown in.... 15 cents... i foresee that today you will have... what the hell do you take me for? 15 cents??? you're supposed to throw in REAL money!"

link takes out the red rupee and chucks it into the pond to hopefully quiet down the voice.

"there. thank you. at least SOMEONE knows what happiness is."

"happiness is throwing your money away?" link snaps. "are you mad?"

"hey, i get the money. i'm happy." the voice repiles smugly.

"there isn't even a prize, is there?" link asks.

"you want something? hold on.. i'll look what i've got down here... oh, here's something. take it or leave it, toots."

the water ripples and something flies out and lands at link's feet. it's a blue mirror that looks like something you'd find in a little girl's play vanity set. it's made of cheap plastic, but the mirror glass itself looks rather spooky. mists swirl inside the glass like a portal. link picks it up carefully.

"mirror, mirror.. in... link's hand.." dyluck quips, "who's the...fairest..in the land! hey! that works!"

sergo grabs dyluck by his collar and holds him out over the pond.

"are you here to make jokes and be stupid or are you here to help us out?"

dyluck doesn't look too fazed. "i have a grenade and know somewhat how to use it! you'd better put me down nicely!"

"hey! hey!" the voice rumbles. "i've got enough junk down here as it is!! i don't need your rejects!"

sergo reluctantly sets dyluck down safely beside the pool.

link says in an apprehensive voice, "you guys... the... the mirror.."

a blue portal swirls into existance above the pool and sucks the three men inside. moments later they find themselves deposited into a vast field. a man runs by them wearing bunny ears if i remember correctly.

"where are we?" dyluck asks.

link presses the x button. "uhh... i think we're still in hyrule, but it's a ... different hyrule... i don't know where sahahahahahahahahahahahashrala is now."

dyluck and sergo look at link in astonishment after hearing the name. they thought he was joking. but he remained dead serious. "we can try the gerudo fortress," he suggests. "but we'll need a way to get there. maybe a horse or something. i know someone who could lend us one."

"marin and tarin?" sergo guesses.

"no, malon and talon. they're a product of nintendo's neverending ingenuity for making up original names."

link, dyluck and sergo head for lon lon ranch in the distance....

Chapter 5: Another Link to the Past: The Major's Mask

......and they look up after a shadow covers them. it seems the whole field had grown dark. and now they know why.

"whoa!!!" dyluck shouts. "that moon has a face!"

"i think the more pressing subject is that it seems to be.... falling.." link says in a daze. "this isn't hyrule!! hyrule's moon doesn't have a face!" he tries hitting the start button instead of the x button. "great jumpin' dodongos! we're in termina field!"

"dodongos don't jump," dyluck says, sounding confused.

"termina? near the great bay?" sergo demands. "this is where poofbeard's pants are! they're in a cave off the great bay coast somewhere."

"i thought that was lon lon ranch.... i guess it's romani ranch... well, it doesn't matter. malon's still there. she just talks in the third person and she changed her name to romani. we can still get a horse."

"do we need one anymore? we can't see the big s if we're not even in hyrule," dyluck says, possibly the only remotely intelligent thing he said to date.

"i guess you're right," link says in a disappointed tone. "but i miss my horse. he's (she's? epona sounds like a girl horse kinda name.) in the stables there. i'll have to go visit him soon."

the ground shakes for a moment and the three look up, noticing the moon has dropped a bit. it looks maniacally pleased with itself.

"it doesn't look like we have much time to waste around here," sergo says. "either we do something about that moon or we won't be able to get the pants."

"BUT I ALREADY SAVED TERMINA FROM THE MOON!!!!" link shouts up at the big rocky sphere. "WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE?????" and then he gasps.

he takes the flute that he bought from the merchant out of his pocket and sighs.

"what?" sergo asks, seeing link's frustrated expression.

link closes his eyes and shakes his head. "i don't believe it... i'm so so so so stupid..."

"???????" dyluck puts in, a perfect imitation of crono.

"i played the song of time when i called moosh! it was just a reflex!"

"uh-HUH,"sergo says with a nod, completely lost.

"i accidentally reset everything i did here!!!" link says, near tears. "all that work for NOTHING!!!"

"well, if you did it before, you can do it again," sergo encourages. "no need to get upset about it. we'll help ya."

"that's not the POINT!" link snaps. "you would not believe how much time i spent on saving those idiots from the falling moon."

"3 days?" dyluck guesses.

"what?" link hisses. he draws his sword, ready to cut up dyluck for that careless remark, but then looks at it in anger and tosses it to the ground. "i had to kill that stupid goat thing like 4 times to get my good sword, and look at the piece of turd i've got now!"

a vulture-looking bird dives down from above and snatches up link's little dinky sword. dyluck tackles it.

"be careful!" link warns. "that's a ..... hmm.... tatl's not here. (maybe it's just cuz i'm REAL slow, but did you realize the names of the two fairies are 'tatl' and 'tael'? get it? i just realized that like now. *sigh*...) "she would know what they were called. but they steal stuff! important stuff!"

dyluck grabs link's sword from the takkuri and lets the bird go. it flaps its wings shakily for a moment, rights itself and then flies up to rest on top of a post. and explodes.

link, sergo and dyluck all dive for cover.

"what the hell..?" sergo says after the ringing in his ears subsides.

"damn thing stole my grenade," dyluck grumbles, patting his pockets. "musta pulled the pin when he took it."

link and the others wander into Clock Town, link all the while mumbling and murmuring, "i don't believe this... all those golden skulltulas and those notebook entries..."

"so, why exactly is the moon falling down?" sergo asks. "i thought it was pretty happy where it was,"

the three look up at the crater-filled smilin' sphere (earthbound monster, in case you're wondering why i didn't bother to put that last "g".)and a flaming meteor falls from its eye and lands next to a weird looking purply-blue building way off in the distance.

"looks to be crying to me," link says. "maybe it's just lonely."

"HEY!" dyluck shouts excitedly. "a BAR!"

link and sergo follow dyluck's line of vision and read a sign on the wall of a building.

"Milk Bar - "Latte" Open at 6pm. members only."

"yeah, it's a bar but i think you neglected to read the first word-"link starts, but finds himself being hauled by the ear towards the door. "and judging by your excitement i think you didn't read the rest of the sign either.."

"yeah, i read it. but in order to become a member, you've gotta go in, right? and that "milk" thing's just a front, i bet. just to keep the royal guard off their back."

"dyluck, trust me. it's a MILK BAR. apparently here in clock town, milk's a pretty strong drink. it must come from drunk cows or something." link assures him. "and the only members of this bar are ingo- oh, sorry, gorman i mean, he's a nutter; toto, a big fat drunken fish thing, and madame aroma, a big fat lady with a missing kid."

"well, i don't like crowded bars anyway." dyluck says, opening the door.

a, for lack of a better word, bouncer stands there, arms folded. he looked suspiciously like talon and tarin.(yeah, i know he's supposed to be the bartender but they need a bouncer too.) "members only. you've gotta have your romani mask to get served here."

"it got stolen," dyluck replied without hesitation. "by a man with long hair and a fruity voice." in his mind he pictured ghaleon, someone he knew would be far far away and therefore be unable to be found.

"oh, you mean darling," the bouncer said with a nod. he turned to one of the bar patrons and said,

"hey, shiro, i know you're not on duty but there's been a theft,"

dyluck opens his mouth, about to protest but then realizes he got in the bar, hauling link and sergo in behind him.

the soldier named shiro gets up off his barstool and downs the rest of his milk and coke.

"a theft?" he says, swaying back and forth in the trademark drunken stance. "what'sh been shtolen?"

"darling stole this man's mask," the talon lookalike informs shiro. he turns around to point at dyluck but dyluck's already drowning in a glass of chateau romani at the bar.

"darling? that shkinny lil' wimp who shpends his whole day dancin' inna shoo*hic*shootin' gallallery?"

"i'm afraid so," talon says, somewhat unconvinced.

"i always knew there was shomethin' funny bout that guy," shiro says, waggling a warning finger at nothing. "i'll go geddim."

the soldier stumbles up the stairs and exits the bar after several failed attempts to open the door.

"are you happy now?" link scolds, hauling on dyluck's sleeve. "you just got an innocent man in big trouble!"

"have you tried this stuff?" dyluck asks in amazement, staring wide-eyed into his glass of magic milk.

"no, every time i got a bottle of it i forgot about it and had to go back in time anyway." link crosses his arms and waits for dyluck to finish his drink. "now would you hurry up? once they find out darling doesn't have your mask, they'll come back for us!"

"relax. that soldier couldn't find stink on a monkey in the state he's in. he's probably collapsed in an alley right now." dyluck pats link on the shoulder. "you're a tad too wound up. sit down. take a load off. drink some milk. it does a body good."

"no thanks. i'll be waiting at the inn. come on, sergo," link says. "we'd better leave before the guards come."

he turns around and sees sergo on the stage with a big mug of milk and a microphone. which link soon found out was a bad mix.

"how we doin', terminaaaaaaa??!?" sergo shouts. "my name's sergo, but you can call me buffbeard the pirate!"

link buries his face in his hands and tries desperately to stop himself from screaming in frustration. he reaches up onto the counter and grabs a handful of mint sticks and shoves them in his mouth to keep himself quiet.

"we doin' greaaaaaaat, sergo!" dyluck shouts back.

it became apparent to link that sergo and dyluck were the only ones participating. the other patrons didn't even bother to look up.

link finishes his mint sticks and heads toward the door, wanting nothing to do with the impending spectacle. he tells the bouncer to keep an eye on dyluck and sergo and to throw them out before they get too drunk.

he steps out into the street, looking up at the homicidally pleased moon. for the hell of it he takes out his bomber's notebook, looking at the little notes he wrote by each person's name.

"Anju," he read, "innkeeper at the stock pot inn. her husband ditched her. possibly because she can't cook worth turd." turd was underlined several times. "Kafei. Anju's husband. hides his face in a keaton mask, which is rather pointless because he's the only person in clock town with purple hair, and, i don't know if he knows, but THE MASK DOESN'T COVER HIS HAIR! coincedentally, if he's a missing person, how does the postman know where to deliver his letters? is anju the only one who doesn't know he hides in the curiosity shop's back room?" link sighs, remembering all the trouble he went through to get the two of them reunited. all for a big goose egg. he skimmed through the rest of his notes, cracking a smile as he read, "Kamaro - surprise, surprise. with a name like that i thought he'd be in some motor mart somewhere. he's dancin' on a mushroomy thing in a snowfield half naked. i don't know about some people."

with a heavy sigh, the little elf heads for stock pot inn. he opens the door, seeing the familiar face of anju behind the desk.

"we're booked, little guy," she says with pity. "sorry."

"oh, you're not booked, you ditz," link says in frustration. "there's still an empty room. the knife chamber on the second floor. why it's called the knife chamber i have no sweet clue but it's still vacant. trust me. i've been here before."

"......possibly, but you must realize that people stay here every night and sometimes-"

link slams the room key on the desk.

"it's vacant." he repeats.

hours later, link gets into bed and stares at the ceiling, not knowing what to do about the termina situation. he hears people shouting in the streets.

"Honey!!! tell them i never stole anything!!!! tell them!!!"

"mister guard, sir? i think you may have the wrong-"

"hush up dere, mishy. i'se been tole that this pershon *hic* stole that them there mask from the guy in the bar-"

"i never left the shooting gallery all day! how could i steal anything? i'm not a criminal!"

"den where d'you get da money for dose fancy clothes?"

link shuts his eyes, shaking his head. he knows he should set shiro straight but decides to stay out of it. after all, it's just gonna happen again in three days.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" he bellows, quite possibly waking up everyone in a ten mile radius.

and he felt slightly better.

Chapter 6: Milk Hangovers and Science 10

dyluck opens his eyes, looking up into the brilliantly bright clock town sun. and the frighteningly hideous clock town moon. turning his head, he sees that he's laying in a dirty old alley amongst a mound of empty chateau romani crates.

"sergo?" he asks quietly. "are you there?"

"where's there?" a weak yet gruff voice replies from under a few of the boxes.

dyluck groans and sits up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"what the hell happened?" he asks. "i don't remember a thing.... i was just talking to link at the bar and then you started singin' on stage and it's all blank!"

"i was singing?" sergo says in dismay. "damn those cows for making such intoxicating milk!"

"hey... where is link, by the way?"

"he left the bar i think...." sergo sits up as well, causing several of the boxes to shift and break open. a rat scurries off into the shadows. (it's mandatory that dirty old alleys have rats scurrying somewhere.)

"lovely. we lost the guy with the map."

"prob'ly went to the inn."

"should we go look for him?"

"i guess we should... " sergo stands up and stetches, yawning. "where's the inn?"

"i'll ask someone." dyluck stands up and brushes himself off, walking out into the street. a woman with a clipboard and a box of timbits nearly bowls him over.

"getouttatheway!!!" she protests, shoving him aside. "we're already behind schedule!!"

"ooookay," dyluck says, watching her run off to a distant building.

sergo joins dyluck in the street, saying, "that looked like bobo!"

"it did, didn't it?" dyluck agrees. "huh. i wonder what they're doing here."

in actuality, missy, bobo and 7-up were not in fact in clock town. they were in the final chamber of the mana fortress waiting for the arrival of thanatos. they'd been waiting for quite a while and they were beginning to get bored.

"wonder where he is?" 7-up asks, looking at the others. "he's supposed to be here, right?"

missy looks around the room, shielding his eyes from the incredibly strange techno-dance-party lighting. "yeah, he's supposed to be here. he sent us a card." missy pulls it out of his pocket and reads, "to the three who got shafted cuz they were boring: i'm waiting for you in the floating mana fortress. you'll never get past my guards, although i kinda hope you do because i have a big big surprise for bobo. we will end this once and for all. mwa ha ha ha-" missy turns the card over, finishing with, "ha ha ha. your pal, thanny. P.S. tell geshtar to stop riding his hoverbike in the house."

"so... where is he now?" bobo looks around as well, seeing nothing save for a multitude of wires and pulsating lights. "i want my surprise!"

"i guess we'll have to wait, you guys." missy sits down with a sigh.

"i brought my game boy," 7-up says proudly. "we can play oracle of ages!"

after a moment's contemplation, they all huddle together on the floor and start playing.

link awakens in the stock pot inn, feeling well rested and all screamed out. he gets out of bed and puts his little green elf hat back on, remembering dyluck and sergo. he decides he'd better go look for them before they cause any more trouble.

he slowly heads downstairs, walking over to the front desk where anju is sitting with her chin in her hands, looking at the clock.

"anyone come by here looking for me?" he asks, tossing the room key onto the desk.

"nope," she sighs.

"let me guess," link says knowingly. "kafei, right?"

anju looks at him in terrified surprise. "how do you know him?" she reaches over the desk and grabs link by the collar, adding, "where is he? tell me!!"

"wait..lemme think.. what's this? day two? ok... hold on.." he digs into his pockets and comes up with a really gaudy looking necklace and holds it out to her. she lets him go and snatches it from his hand.

"where did you get this?" she demands.

"sit tight, he'll be back tomorrow at FOUR THIRTY IN THE DAMN MORNING!" link can't help but raise his voice.

"but isn't the moon gonna-" anju starts, and link nods.

"yes, the moon's 'gonna'! but you two are just gonna sit there and ENJOY being crushed! now if you'll excuse me i have to go find my drunken friends!"

link stomps out of the inn and shuts the door behind him.

"now where could those two be..."

"bobo!" dyluck calls after the clipboard lady as she disappears into a big big building.

"maybe she doesn't wanna talk to you," sergo suggests.

"but back in torte's place they got all "we gotta go save the world from the empire and revive the mana tree and leave dyluck with the bill!" dyluck informs sergo. "this doesn't look like a tree to me."

"i thought they left cuz they were boring," sergo says half to himself.

"i'm going in after her," dyluck says. "i wanna know what's going on here."

"are you sure that's a good idea?"

dyluck sneaks quietly towards the door, peeking into a nearby window.

"listen, if you wanna make a big scene i'll just go back and look for link, okay?' sergo says, already backing away.

"hey! i know her!" dyluck exclaims, pointing at someone inside that sergo can't see."i'm gonna go say hi!" he opens the door and immediately gets trampled on by two dinosaurs, one green and one blue. they race past sergo and the blue one makes a cool noise. shortly after, a lanky plumber in green dashes out holding a boombox above his head, also stepping on dyluck as he follows the two dinosaurs. the boombox blasts out the theme song from "denver the last dinosaur" with way too much bass. (if you've ever seen that cartoon, you truly are a child of the 80's.)

"dyluck? you okay?" sergo asks his trampled friend.

the pandoran soldier shakily raises an arm and yells, "go yoshi!" and then passes out.

Chapter 7: Intensive Carelessness

Hours later....

Dyluck wakes up, realizing he can't move. he swivels his eyes around, taking in his surroundings. He deduces that he's in some sort of clinic. everything seems to have that clinic-y air about it.

"hello?" he asks, finding his voice muffled by gauze. he looks down, finding himself in a cocoon of the stuff.

the surprised snort of someone waking up with a start answers him.

"oh, oh hey! you're okay!" a ditzy feminine voice says with sleepy relief.

"what the hell happened?" dyluck demands.

"oh, you were trampled by two dinosaurs and a plumber. your pirate friend brought you in here."

dyluck tries to turn his head to look at the speaker, grunting in pain as he realizes it's just not gonna happen.

"i think i'm paralyzed," he says with fear.

"no, you'll be okay. nurse phanna fixed ya right up! we'll just have to wait for the doctor to come back."

"where am i?"

"you're in the mana tv building. we have a clinic here because, well... there were several incidents involving a mix up on the order for magus' timbits. you'd be surprised how useful a clinic is next door to a news studio."

dyluck watches as phanna leans over him, unwrapping a bandage on his arm.

"let's see how that burn is doing, huh?'

dyluck plays the events over in his head, finally asking, "uhhhh, burn?"

phanna blushes in embarrassment. "i spilled coffee on you while you were unconscious."

"are there any OTHER nurses here that can-"

"the only medical staff we have here are me and the doctor. i'm still learning." phanna smiles proudly. "but he says i'm a real quick learner. don't you worry, you're in good hands."

"good hands meaning hands that spilled boiling hot coffee on a helpless unconscious man!" dyluck wanted to say, but decided against it. it may have resulted in more coffee spills. instead he said,"who's the doctor, anyway? what's his name?"

"you may have seen him on tv. he has a show called loveline." phanna informs him.

"Dr. Beauford?" dyluck asks with disappointment.

"that's just his tv name. his real name's cid."

"cid beauford?" dyluck says with a chuckle.

"yeah, he should be back soon. i'm making him some fish for supper. i caught it out in the pond behind the building!" she gasps. "THE FISH!!" she shouts, running into a nearby room. as the door opens dyluck sees smoke billow out from within.

another door opens to dyluck's left and he hears footsteps.

"whoa! who's the mummy?" a gruff voice asks with a laugh.

dyluck grunts in response. he watches the speaker walk by, a tall man who seems to resemble both ghaleon and sephiroth, but unlike either of them, he carries a rather large box of timbits, which, dyluck notices with intrigue, seems to be chained to his arm as if it were an important suitcase or something.

'hey, could... could i have one of those? i'm starved!' he asks timidly.

"300 bucks," the guy says, holding out a hand. "it's my last box."

"300 bucks for ONE timbit?"

the ghal-phiroth smiles and says, "yeah, it's a bargain, isn't it? I'm in a real good mood."

"my wallet seems to be wrapped in bandages," dyluck says smartly.

"what, you don't want me to go dig for it, do you?" the timbit man looks disgusted.

"just loan me one, will you? i'm starved!"

"just get phanna to cook you something!" he starts to walk away.

"i'd prefer something that doesn't try to gnaw your hand off."

the freaky guy turns back around and nods in consent.

"thought i recognized that voice." he walks back over to dyluck and squints down at him. "dyluck, right? you used to work here. field reports, if i'm not mistaken."

"right on, maggie!"

magus looks annoyed but continues with, "what have you been doing since you left mana tv? phanna said you joined the pandoran holy frijoles."

"yeah, but..."

"too many mosquitoes?" magus guesses.

"nah. little bit of a drinking incident."

"well, the guy they replaced you with is a bit of a nutter."

a desperate voice cries out from the kitchen.

"SOMEONE!!!!! I NEED SOME HELP HERE!!! FIRE!!! FIRE!!!"

"sergo?" dyluck asks, half to himself.

the door opens again and out runs sergo, chased by a huge gout of flame.

"uh, is phanna still in there?" magus asks, sounding a little confused.

a rather large partially cooked fish flops out of the kitchen, breathing bursts of flame with every jump. phanna appears and conks it over the head with a big honkin' pot.

"what passes for help these days?" she hisses. she picks up the subdued fish and drops it back in the pot.

"wasn't it dead before you started to cook it?" sergo asks her.

"of course it was!" she snaps back. she spins on her heel and stomps off back into the smoke filled kitchen.

"her cooking tends to come alive and attempts to eat the consumer," magus informs sergo quietly. "she's known far and wide for her talent. or lack of, whichever you prefer."

"and you let her cook for you?"

magus shrugs. "dr. beauford says it's a surefire way to bring in the patients."

"but people EAT her food?" sergo was still mystified.

"mostly the people we have here for interviews." magus replies. he chuckles to himself. "the last guy we had here was this old guy who kept talking about pants and-"

"PANTS???!!!" sergo shouts, grabbing magus by the grape juice-stained collar and shaking him. "who was it?? where is he?"

"i think he said his name was... salala...something."

"that's the guy!! where is he now?"

the door to the news studio opens and a moogle in a wheely-chair slides into the room and spins around.

"wheeee! hey, magus, you're on in like five minutes! get those timbit crumbs offa your face and get in there!"

magus shoves sergo aside and fixes his collar. the pirate continues to ask him frantic questions but he tunes him out.

"shouldn't you be in there right now?" he asks mog.

"yeah, but i don't think anybody noticed that i'm gone yet. marle's doing her segment on "keeping organized in hectic situations." her and her fancy-shmancy clipboard. i wonder what she'd do if someone stole it?"

"she'd tear up the place looking for who stole it," magus told him.

"and when she finds him she'll give him a fourteen-hour lecture on 'why you shouldn't steal marle's clipboard'. and then she cuts off his raid supply." dyluck adds.

"lucky?" mog's eyes widen in surprise. "is that you in there?"

"i was trampled," he explains. "and phanna spilled coffee on me, which, i'm glad to point out, is in actuality NOT eating away at my arm like it should be."

"store-bought. tim hortons, no less." magus says with a smile.

"well, HOWYA DOIN'???" mog shouts, leaping from the chair and landing squarely onto dyluck's chest. "i haven't seen ya in years!"

"off.....off..." dyluck wheezes.

magus grabs mog by the head-ball-springy-thing, lifts him up and sets him back on his chair.

"sorry about that. you know how excited he can get sometimes."

the moogle resumes spinning in his wheely-chair and giggling quietly.

"well, i'm off to do the news, i guess," magus says. he looks at sergo. "do you like timbits?"

"not particularly. too many make ya flabby." the pirate replies, pausing to flex for the camera.

"good. gimme your hand." magus grabs sergo by the hand, takes a key out of his pocket, unlocks his timbit box chain, clamps it on sergo's arm and locks it again. "you stay right there, and don't give any of those timbits to anyone for less than 300 bucks. i'll be back in a few minutes."

sergo watches magus leave the room, hauling the spinning moogle with him. he sits down on a chair and says,

"if you had've told me a few days ago that i'd be sitting in a clinic in clock town next to a mummified holy frijole of pandora with a box of timbits chained to my arm today,.......well, i would have laughed at you for one thing..."

"but i did tell you that," dyluck informs him. "those exact words, too."

"sure you did. you just let that morphine kick in..."

"i'm serious!! i told you that!!"

"when?" sergo decides to humor the poor frijole.

"when you met up with me! at the cannon travel center! i told you, i said, 'sergo, in a few days you're gonna be sitting in a clinic in clock town next to a mummified holy frijole of pandora with a box of timbits chained to your arm.'"

sergo scrolls up just to be sure.

"well, stomp on frogs and shove a crowbar up my nose...." he says in surprise. "you DID say that."

"i'm psychotic!" dyluck says proudly.

"psychic, dyluck." sergo corrects. he slumps back in his chair and continues to stare at the clock. "huh. i wonder where link is."

Chapter 8: Mint Stick Musings